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May 25th, 2008
10:45 pm - The queen You know how everybody turns around to look before they flush - just to make sure that everything is in order, that one isn't bleeding out the bum and the kernels are all accounted for? (you do it too - do not deny)
I suspect the queen has someone do it for her.
And maybe even turns the pages.

( It's a cruel world. )
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May 13th, 2008
09:00 am - Schwiiiinn!

I bought something new. Come see! ( No cats were harmed in the making of this post. ) And yes, I am still alive.
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November 28th, 2007
04:27 am - Heh heh It's ... 4:28 in the a.m. and I may or may not be under the influence - take your pick but if you pick the former you are probably right burp. So, a buddy of mine pulled up into my yard in THIS a while ago:
A '66 Corvette.

( I just about came in my pants. )
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October 20th, 2007
10:26 am - So this is the day ... that I bend over and you can insert your birthday wishes here -------->
It's 10:27 a.m. and I am drinking a beer. It is one of MANY beers that I am going to be drinking because I can. To be truthful, it is one of a WHOLE WHACK of beers that I have had in the last 3 days because I am obviously on a roll. My loved ones are hating me today (for good reason) but you know what? Fuck. Them. Collectively and one at a time. Because it's my birfday and I can cry if I want to CRY if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.
Yeah, I was an ugly one year old.

( And here's to another year of fun and frivolity. )
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July 14th, 2007
02:18 pm - Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah We have two tv's in our house. I rarely watch tv because there is NOTHING ON. For years, I didn't have a tv in my house (when I lived blissfully by myself) until I started hanging out with the S/A. I felt sorry for him because he would stay at my house and couldn't watch the mind-numbing brain-dead idiot box. I like to read books. Lots and lots of books. And in the beginning before tv, the S/A and I used to READ BOOKS TOGETHER. Perhaps even.. in the same room. Now (after years of marriage) he stays in the front room multi-tasking with his TWO computers he has set up there and the new 42" big screen tv and I never see him. This is good. And I am in the kitchen with Dinah multi-tasking myself, cooking up a PLOT that leads to the demiiiiise of my husband AND looking at internet porn. I am the Queen of multi-tasking she said prissily, smoothing out her apron. We don't even bother conversing anymore, we just email each other. Sometimes we actually FIGHT via email. HEY! I should send him an email that just says 'fuck you'. And he will be in the other room going wtf? And then he will email ME and say what do you mean? And I will say I don't know WHAT you are talking about, I didn't send you an email and then start *harump*ing and angrily tap-tap-tapping on my keyboard and declare in a loud voice, take THAT.
Except I won't send him anything. Soon it will become a heated TEXT argument about you know... NOTHING
And then we will continue on into another day. I can hardly wait.
Hey, if I was really thinking, I would have called my daughter Dinah. I mean really, what a great name! Everywhere you went and you ended up in someone's kitchen - and I guess technically, you would actually have to BE WITH someone that played a banjo - people would sing about you! I wish MY name was Dinah.
So there was a nest of baby raccoons in a hollow tree trunk low to the ground down at my FAVORITE beach last week and a neighbor dog was systematically killing them off. First the mother and then 3 babies. There was one little baby left and I felt sorry for his fate so I scooped him up, popped him into my napsack on my back and took him home.

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And you thought that I had died.
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June 7th, 2007
12:09 pm - Herman Meet my little friend, Herman. Herman is an adorable little field mouse.

( And he loves to do tricks. ) ----------------------------------------
don't forget to add this to your interests - don't make me chase you down with mine - http://www.livejournal.com/interests.bml?int=strap-on+thermoses
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May 21st, 2007
10:24 am - I hate memes I posed this question in my favorite community thequestionclub because they love and respect me there and all I got was non-answers and abuse so now I am asking you, my wise wonderful friends.
Someone on my f/list (who I actually remembered to filter out!) posted one of those memes going around in their journal and I rarely fill them out but gin and LSD had gotten the better of me. It was one of those '28 questions about you' memes and I was doing well until number 27.
#27: 'If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?:'
I thought well, what the heck, she's going to die anyway so I said that I would take you down to my secret beach and then at the end of the day and when your time was nigh, I would politely ask if I could slowly squeeze the last breath out of you so that I could remember you forever.
She answered by saying that she was so happy that I replied to her meme being as I don't normally do memes and then instead of leaving it at that, I further (insanely) picked that particular scab and clarified that -
by saying 'slowly squeezing the last breath out of you' I meant 'by wrapping my long delicately-boned fingers around your neck and taking your last breath away while I stared intently into your eyes'.
I told her that I meant this with the utmost respect and that I have always wanted to do that. Silence ensued. Crickets chirped. Cats batted things hanging on strings.

I got to thinking that when I said that 'I have always wanted to do that', I meant do that to SOMEONE - not necessarily HER. So I removed that reply to explain further but then it looked like I was trying to cover up a horrible plot to hunt her down for sport and kill her and now I feel bad about myself. She hasn't removed me from her f/list yet. Should I -
1. just find her and get it over with so that I won't feel bad about myself anymore? (it's all about me) or B. keep pleading my innocence until the cops show up?
I should add that she is quite a well-known person in her city and will probably be missed.
EDIT: It's been brought to my attention that I am creature-featured in tqc_drama AND stupid_free at the same time by way of thequestionclub. They sure are a testy bunch in there, teehee.
EDIT 2: I unfiltered this post so now the lady in question *ahem you know who you are* can actually read this. I hope you don't hate me.
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May 12th, 2007
05:19 am - Humm Check. Check. Is this thing on?
There is something about spring. All the animals go a little bit crazy, even this animal. In the spring man, my hormones kick into overdrive, I swear I can smell sex in the air. I feel dangerous at this time of the year - reckless. I drive faster, I drink harder, I play harder and I feel more - I awaken from a long winter's slumber and run amok. The layers of clothes come off and as I reveal my own skin, I see soft smooth touchable skin everywhere on everyone else and everything just oozes hormones. Even a casual touch on the arm has an electric feel to it. Do we all go a little batshit sexual crazy in the spring time?
It's 5:35 in the morning and I am blissfully alone (the S/A is away for 5 days and the daughter is gone for the night) and have tried to drink myself to death tonight but I pushed on through to sober again and here I am updating my lj instead. I just may remove this post after I sober up the second time. Did I tell you that gin is my new lovah? Oh yeah. Club soda, a slice of lime and a good glug of gin makes me a happy woman. In fact I am smiling riiiight now. Oh, and do you know what time it is? It's NAKED HAMMOCK TIME!

EDIT: Okay, I had 2 1/2 hours of sleep and now I feel like a NEW MAN. I think I will go out and get me one.
And check out my new weapon, my weapon of choice - my close personal friend, Christopher Walken. I could eat him up with a serrated grapefruit spoon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WW8flwpH-Q
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April 28th, 2007
02:46 am - Pet Sematary Let's go to the Pet Sematary, shall we? Hold my hand and let's skip there all the way!
I went out in the forest the other day to take pictures of all the critters that done got themselves daid on the farm. All of my beloved pets have either run away (for good reason I guess - I don't know about the turtles and it still hurts my heart) and the ones that just up and died, well that isn't MY fault, right? Although I loves me some husband stew but who doesn't? Jemma is the only critter that will actually die of natural causes if she plays her cards right, as she is going to be 12 years old this summer (write that down).
In the back 30 is Toby and Hoppy 1 and Hoppy 2 and many beloved mice, a hamster and Chichen (don't get me started about Chichen) and other various assorted critters, mine and not mine.

( So, there's Jemma awaitin' for me at the gate: )
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April 22nd, 2007
04:42 pm - The question club Do you think that this will get me banned from thequestionclub? Maybe, baby. Wish me luck! Oh, I am going to post this in ask_me_anything, too! Edit: No bans for me! So, then I posted it to _discussion because I always listen to good advice.
http://community.livejournal.com/thequestionclub/20331376.html http://community.livejournal.com/ask_me_anything/7163550.html http://community.livejournal.com/_discussion/674240.html
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Men, enter at your own risk.
When I was a young woman my pudendum looked like this:

Now that I am an old bat, my pudendum looks like this:

So, when I pee, sometimes I pee in a completely different direction that I am aiming for, specially first thing in the morning (hey, just like guys do!). Any other women out there that have a hard time aiming sometimes and end up peeing down their leg and into their shoe when peeing out in the bush?
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Edit: I am hoping that as my lime gets even older, it will develope a hard shell and have amazing suction powers so that I can latch onto rocks and unsuspecting strangers'esses faces.

Having antennae attached would be nice, too.
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March 30th, 2007
10:55 pm - Where is that handbasket? Because I am surely going to hell.

(Jemma, tail wagging furiously, eyeing a secret squirrel out the window) ( I was in a store the other day... )
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March 7th, 2007
10:10 am - The Greatest Show on Earth
I am starting up a magnificent, magical traveling misfit show. This opulent extravaganza will feature a myriad of talents culled from my f/list. There is no limit - explicitness or otherwise - as to what talents will be shown and I just know that you ALL have your own special talents. The thing is, I know some of them and I thank you for showing them to me over the years *vink* but you will all have to audition to have the privilege of traveling with Morticia's Greatest Show on Earth. Tell me, show me with pictures or diagrams, woo me into taking you with me because it's going to be one hell of a trip. And so, on that note - let the auditions begin.
Sofa, I have - regatomic - Cunnilingus Booth Operator / Reg-Of-All-Trades inkyoctopus - 1/2 of the Naked Double Helix / Ping-Pong Ball Balancer kaths - 1/2 of the Naked Double Helix / Ping-Pong Ball Balancer cmariewt - Nipple Biter eviltera - Throne-Sitting Cat Juggler cheekyassmonkey - Mad Cow Birther And Her Jumping Bottle-Nosed Dolphins donttouchmyhat - Knife-Thrower / Ping-Pong Ball Orifice Catcher freshwater_prOn - Knife-Thrower reeeeeeeeflex - Fervent Masturbator iron_chef_gein - Wriiithing Green Hot Dog Vender emt420 - Brewmaster yummydeb - Dominatrix Booth the_pilchard - The Amazing 23" Corrugated Foreskin Booth Operator twisteroo - The Dump Booth runewise - Assassin For Hire incarnated_joy - Red Shoe Wearing MelonHead Popper arthur_sc_king - TromBONE Player gruggach - Personal Assistant dramatha - Personal umm... Masseuse? zesty_pinto - Mind Reading Booth Operator / Conversation Assassin ramaba - Burping Multiple Orgasmer nyabinghi - Personal Toe-Pinching Bodyguard epictetus_rex - 30 - Second Drunk mssaskia - Orgasmic Stapling Immolator saltdawg - Personal Drinking Buddy and Fellow World Conqueror morganaus - Supreme Kangaroo Fucker badbrains1173 - Official Precision Marksman / Spinning Wheel of Death cody_iconoclast - Atomic Flaming Duodenum from Hell
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February 7th, 2007
09:56 am - My Little Blind Grandma Something that uberjeep wrote today sparked my one remaining brain cell's memory banks causing a small puff of smoke to trickle out my right ear and urging me to tell you, my lovelies, a tale about the last time I saw my little blind grandma.
Now long-time stalkers will know that it wouldn't be the first time I wrote about her because she played a very important role on my childhood upbringing, including raising me for a couple of my formative years during times of great family upheaval. These stories have included my grandma-artifact of an ashtray for the blind and the day her and I had tea and she was lasciviously assaulted by my dog (no not THAT dog - another dog).
Here she is (with my nephew) in her sensible brogues and her faithful guide dog by her side.

A proud stoic Scotswoman with perfect military posture, she was the one who taught me how to sew and bake and knit and keep a tidy house. Of course, all these lessons fell by the wayside but I remember her patience, kindness and love for a messed-up little girl who didn't know what the hell was going on - unselfishly taking a 5 year old into her house for years when she was in her 50's is something that I myself would probably never do for family.
She lived alone in her little house into her 70's and after a few dangerous mishaps with fire, guide dog and household appliances, it was then decided that it would be best to put her into a long-term facility lest she go the way of my poor Aunt Belle.
( And there she stayed until her demise. )
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January 16th, 2007
10:57 pm - I'm lichen my new camera



Edited to add: I got a Canon PowerShot S3 IS for Christmas and the things it can do! The instruction booklet is a tome of just under 170 pages and the font is teenytiny so there is a LOT of memorizing to do. And I don't have a memory. This is a whole lot more camera than my old point n shoot Kodak EasyShare. I just wish that I could remember to TAKE THE LENS CAP OFF every time, dammit.
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January 9th, 2007
09:07 am - Come for a walk to the quarry

+

=
( Walkies. )
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December 1st, 2006
01:48 pm - 6 days into it Day 1. Dawn had reached my side of the world as I was greeted by this ghastly sight outside my bedroom window.

Horrified, I stumbled into the bathroom to rid myself of stale beer. Wiping my penis off on the guest towel, I peered blearily out the bathroom window. Yes, it was true - this did not bode well for my loved ones.

Snow had come in the night on soft little paws whilst I lay drooling into my pillow. As far as the eye could see over the orchards and forest - snow snow and yes, more of that snow.

Why me I cried in anguish, clutching my hair in white-knuckled fury.
Why me indeed, my other self sighed. Staring balefully out the bedroom window while drinking my morning whiskey, I scratched my nether regions and commenced my journey through 6 days of Hell alternating between no internet, no electricity and no mind-numbing drugs.

All in all, 14 inches of the stuff. One way or another, someone will pay for this and pay for it dearly.

I go now, to continue digging myself out. Once I am free, you'd better run and hide.
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EDIT: This wouldn't be a real post without an edit or three, now would it? I am HEADING OUT! Wish me luck.
EDIT 2:I got out okay YAY! COLD BEER AND WINE STORES but the car got stuck in the driveway going home. It stayed there overnight but it is now safely back in its spot thanks to two pushers.
3. Ah-hahaha! gordonzola told me why he liked this post - Because you can take a beautiful day and make it filthy. In my head I dragged that very word through the dirt - feeelthy. I may even have twirled my mustache when I ssibilantly ssaid it. I don't know why that made me so happy, Gordon but *sob* it did.
Oh and DON'T LOOK AT THIS IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF
STUFF:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnPnGeUwfB8&eurl
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November 2nd, 2006
09:58 am - An early demise I'm looking forward to an early demise.

I intend to eat myself to death at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I will snort and snuffle through my last meal, chins glistening with grease, the energy expelled to raise one massive wobbling arm to my delicate lips to shovel in another calorie-laden spoonful, causing the sweat to roll down my pudgy cheeks and into the folds of my neck. Swabbing at my brow with a dripping napkin, I will force the last of many helpings of every single thing at the buffet and then I will heave at the table so that my massive girth can exit my groaning chair. I will lumber over to the dessert section, and like a child in a toy store, my piggy eyes will light up at the wonders before me. Mincing around the table, my plate heaped high, sausage fingers reaching for more, I cannot control my elation and busily poke delicacies two at a time into my lovely pursed lips as I circle my prey. Mindlessly dropping tartlets onto the floor, I trample them with my bulbous flat feet with piggy toes shoved into 6E width shoes, ankles sagging above them like tired drooping flesh-colored socks. Sitting back down with a feral grunt, the chair protests and I will begin my gluttonous ravaging of my plate, shoving the food in as fast as possible so that I can go up for more before any other customers take what is rightfully mine. As the restaurant manager keeps his worried vigil by the kitchen door, he knows he will have to sell a lot of food to make up for that day's loss. The waitress will timidly ask if I would like a refill on my large diet pepsi, but I will just growl at her and hunch protectively over my plate. Crumbs fly in all directions as I orgiastically plows through my food, jelly donut innards and powdered sugar coating the lower half of my face and dribbling down to my massive pendulous breasts. Dragging my bloated body to the parking lot, I will collapse in a heap clutching my flabby heart and people will gather to watch a slowly spreading pool of urine escaping my lifeless form.
Or maybe I will just starve myself to death, instead.
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edit: should I post this to food_porn? It didn't go over very well at brutal_honesty http://community.livejournal.com/brutal_honesty/2775917.html or trashy_eats.
another edit: a lot of people in B_H think it is a NaNoWriMo thing that I am doing heh heh not knowing that I think like this alll the time. I have never done a NaNoWriMo thing and I ain't starting now. I don't like deadlines unless someone actually ends up you know,
dead.
yet another edit: Okay, I did it. If I get kicked out of food_porn someone is going to die. They are divided on whether they hate me or want to roll in me. A couple be hatin', though.
They pulled the post in food_porn, the people of trashy_eats liked it and everyone in B_H is being mean and calling me fat because I wear a size 9 and OMG that is huge. Ah, well. You can't please all the people all the time or even some of the time, apparently.
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October 25th, 2006
01:55 pm - It's beginning to look a lot like ..Hallo-weeeen. This is your pumpkin on acid. Or maybe it was the carver on acid.

I'm making a fancy hat out of a giant furry spider. My daughter told me that she won't go anywhere with me if I have it perched on my head at a rakish angle. I told her ok, I would wear it as a BROOCH. A BROOCH. (I just like saying that word) A BROOCH. With the legs extended, it has about a 12 inch leg-span. She may prefer to go out in public with it balanced on my head rather than caressing a great deal of my chestal area. Maybe not. Now I just need to find some black tulle and it will be the most magnificent hat that humankind has EVER. SEEN.
Guess what I had for dinner last night? ( Go on, guess. )
I noticed something yesterday and quite frankly my dear, it frightens me. Gmail is READING my emails. Yes, it is true. I was discussing colons - MY colon to be succinct - with an anonymous lj friend *waves* and in the midst of the email conversation, I glance to the right of my screen and there ---> are a bunch of links to colon cleansing/colonoscopies/poopchute doctors and other things relating to my ass. I blinked, wiped my eyes with a colostomy bag and thought wow, what a big coincidence. Well, no. It wasn't a coincidence at all because I EXPERIMENTED. Talking about PORN CLOWNS got no change in the links but flights to Vegas did and as long as the subject isn't too bizarre, the links change to whatever I am not so secretly discussing with people in the privacy of my own inbox. I feel violated.
Poor Jemma-dog (yes THAT dog) has got the flu or something. She has been laying in her little bed all day without being told to and she keeps heaving up spit and bile. She is such a good little dog, she RUNS to the door as soon as she starts gagging and waits while I WHIP the door open and then courteously misses the patio and pukes on the lawn. What a pal, huh? She has done this all of her life. If nobody's home and she gets sick, she does it right AT the door because you just KNOW she ran all the way over there and waited patiently for someone to materialize out of thin air with her cheeks bulging and a bit of runny vomit sneaking through her front teeth before delivering her dirty payload onto the rug, the dirty dirty bird. *sniff* I love that dog. Specially coming home late at night. In the dark.
So, I got the go-ahead from my insurance company to get another camera after the_pilchard killed mine with his miiind weeks ago and I have been looking at Canons, particularly the Powershot A630 or a A640. I know that there are quite a few people on my f'ing f/list that are into photography. Anyone use a digital Canon? Can you give me some feedback good or bad or suggest another brand that you like? The only thing stopping me from taking pictures is choosing a new one out of the plethora out there.
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October 20th, 2006
07:25 am - This is where I bend over ...and you can insert your birthday wishes here -------->
So, here's to the day my CC of a mother grunted me out, shooting me across the room to hit the back wall and land in an untidy sssslippery heap of slimy blood and excrement. I believe she was aiming for my dad. This day, I will reiterate what I started saying in my 20's:
If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.
I always thought that I was going to die by the age of 32. Even as a small child I just knew that this was a fact. Before my 32nd birthday I knew I would be no more, perhaps dying young in a spectacular way. Consequently, I lived my life very very fast because I just didn't give a damn, you know? I did things that most women wouldn't dream of doing, took chances that would have made many a man pale, walked down the darkest alleyways in life because I could. By the time I reached my 32nd birthday, I had perfected the art of self-abuse, indeed I had it down to an art form. Every year after that 32nd birthday is a gift but I didn't realize that until I came back from the brink of death 5 years ago. (2001 was a very bad year - baaad - one day I will write about it) So, these days, I am a different woman who has for the most part, tamped that dangerous part down inside my cold stone of a heart. I am still as goofy as ever though - it must be HELL to live with me and I don't know how they stand me sometimes because sometimes I can't stand myself.
Today, I have to go get my driver's licence renewed and I hate that milestone because it means that the picture upon the new one will not be from 5 years ago, it will be the face I have now. Middle age is a bitch - or rather, I am middle age's bitch. The thing with aging is that sometimes I feel exactly as I did when I was 12 and most times, because of being physically active, I feel as if I am a LOT younger than that face looking back at me in the mirror. It's a shock some mornings to see the lines in amongst the freckles because dammit, inside my head I don't match the outer me. But, such is life - we all get old. I, myself, intend to be a cantankerous old lady waving my cane and whacking people across the back of the knees and swearing and cursing and shaking my bony fist out the window when traffic slows down my jacked-up circa 60's muscle car. Yeah, that's what I'll do. And maybe I will wear a red hat, I haven't decided yet.
I do know this, though. I have to go drink that suitcase of beer and smoke that joint now before I head on down to the MVB because I want to make sure that if I get stopped by the cops that I look juuuust like my picture.
And a HB to you too, gushgush. Here's to us old chicken fuckers. *licklicklick*
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Oh, and here's a direct quote from the illustrious unimag, pertaining to an old post of mine about spiiiders.
There's a fine line between "terrifying sociopath" and "attractive genius"... you straddle that line quite well, I reckon.
To be honest, I was the one that used the words "attractive genius" because it's my birfday and I can lie if I want to, LIE if I want to.
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September 27th, 2006
11:07 am - A murder of 'em. My daughter and I were feeding the crows this last weekend, down at the beach. Crows don't usually come a'begging for scraps, preferring to peel their meals off the highways and byways but there they were anyway, a murder of 'em. So, we decided instead of piggishly eating our peanut butter and crescellow sandwiches ourselves, that we would share the wealth.
I love crows and ravens and remember fondly - at the old Eaton's in downtown Victoria - the raven that they held captive in the pet department there. This beautiful blueblack bird - with the giant beak powerful enough to nip a finger off of an inquisitive child - was a learned creature and had quite an extensive vocabulary but he spoke in a croaky old man's voice. I suspected that the previous owner was indeed an old man and an avid smoker to boot because this bird could mimic perfectly, the hacking cough of a 3 pack a day man. I was but a young pup back then and spent many hours hanging about trying to get that bird to say naughty things in a young girl's voice. But it was all for naught, that bird WAS an old man through and through.
Eventually, along came a seagull, his interest piqued by the cawing and flapping of wings. He hobbled over with his crippled leg and one wing askew and the BFH lets out a big heart-felt 'awww'. Ignoring the crows now, she proceeded to feed the poor seagull while I studied him carefully. I saw that he could move pretty fast when the bread got tossed out of his reach and into the realm of crowland, so fast that his limp was not noticeable at all. On a hunch, I LUNGED at the bird, who, rapidly and without the slightest limp, scurried away and as I chased him across the grass to the astonishment of the old ladies sitting on the next bench over, he FLEW up into the air with his poor broken wing miraculously healed. I smiled malignantly at the 'tsk'ing old women, cocked an eyebrow at the BFH and proceeded to run about the grass screeching like a banshee with my arms spread wide, pretending to be an injured seagull. This impromptu show won the old ladies over, so over that they had to leave abruptly, presumably to call 911 on their secret canephones. They exited stage left, entirely missing my perfect imitation of a murder of crows doing the funky chicken.
I went out in the dinghy yesterday, another glorious day on the beautiful west coast. The water was like glass, it was and I spent an inordinate amount of time in the cove, floating about in the slack tide, dreaming of seagulls and shoes and ships and ceiling wax, of cabbages and kings and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether fish have wings. The cove is now rife with salmon, perhaps coho, getting ready to head up river I suppose although I think it is a bit early for those parTICular shenanigans. They were jumping and thrashing about a foot off the surface of the water in sheer delight at being salmon in their prime and I was in the midst of them keeping perfectly still. Just then, a lovely beauty threw itself OUT of the water and RIGHT INTO MY LITTLE RUBBER DINGHY!
Well, maybe not RIGHT into it but close enough to get me wet. And wet I was, thinking about that seductive beauty laying on my BBQ stuffed with sliced lemons and fresh herbs. I decided to linger long past dinner time before venturing home to my beloved, mutely hostile family and go sulk in my bedroom for the rest of the night, my adventures of the day untold.
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